Pursuing Fear

Closing Out :)

2010-01-03T14:36:00.003-05:00

Not only have we closed out 2009, but I am closing out my blogs! :/ I have been torn, thinking I may regret it one day (esp our family blog), but it is too much for me to keep up with and when I don't post it drives me crazy! There are too many other things that I need to prioritize and the blogs just seem to get in the way for me! It is much more fun for me to read other people's blogs, both that I know and don't know, than it is for me to create my own:) I need to salvage every ounce of creativity that I DO have in me :) Thanks for reading!

Five Years Ago Today.

2009-10-17T13:22:00.002-04:00

This time five years ago brings back a flood of emotion and memories.

I got a phone call from my grandmother this morning and she asked if I remembered what we were doing this time 5 years ago. The memories immediately flooded my mind.

Overwhelming gratitude and peace towards God filled my heart and my mind.

There are times I love talking about that time in our life and others it scares me so bad I cannot even play the scenario through my head.

It had been several years of sickness for me, and a few very severe months. This particular morning I woke up with a funny feeling in my foot. Something told me there was something wrong and we didn't even call the ambulance. Within minutes I could not walk, Ross dressed me, and carried me to the car. My leg and foot were all but black and quickly swelling. I told Ross I didn't feel good and then passed out in the car as we were driving. He thought I had died in those few seconds of horrible fear...I woke up to him saying my name over and over and putting his hands in my mouth, thinking I was choking. We arrived at the hospital and did not even check in. My grandmother was in town for something else and beat us to the hospital. My blood presssure 60/40 something. Ross and BJ sat waiting for an answer. They had none. They told them that they may have to amputate my leg, and my parents were called. We were later told, they didn't think I would make it at all. After several hours of testing, they found a DVT (blood clot) in my left femoral vein. Complete blockage and little blood was able to get back to my heart...hence the passing out and low blood pressure. The next day, part of the clot broke off and at some point went to both of my lungs...I spent a week in ICU and another week recovering in the hospital. I had to learn to completely walk on that leg and again and lost all feeling up to my calf, which has since regenerated almost completely!

I write none of this to be dramatic. I write it, so that I will never forget about God's sovereignty in my life. His control. His healing. The immense peace He gave me through this season of our lives. The power of prayer. How many friends and family supported us in so many ways. How much my husband loved me tenderly through sickness and health. How my Mom and grandmother sat by my side for 2 weeks in the hospital and 2 more weeks at home. How good it felt to see my Dad walk into the hospital that first night, when I can't remember anything else. How it felt to see my little sister's love and concern for me in a "big" sister way.. How our church family came alongside of us financially and through meals. How churches that did not even know us came alongside of us financially. I could go on and on, I never want to forget.

Five years later, and it still brings back anxiety and a deep peace all at the same time.

Five years later, and that storm in our life seems like such a "small" part of our full life.

Five years later, a family of five, that desires to continue to trust in God's perfectness and control as much as we did five years ago today.

Lord, thank you for life, for my husband, for my family, and for your perfect control.

Luke

2009-07-07T13:37:00.002-04:00

We never have to guess what he is thinking. He talks. Non. Stop.

He loves asking questions and loves for us to ask him questions.

He loves step by step directions and the names of streets as we drive through town.

He recently asked his Daddy, "what does intercede mean?"... he heard it on his all time favorite song "Arise" by Indelible Grace.

He also informed me that "God is going to kill Daddy". Now thats a fun one to deal with. A few minutes before he told me this, he asked Ross "is you going to die Daddy"...to which Ross replied "yes one day, when God decides it is time for me to..." There was no arguing with him on this one. He insisted. I just let it pass.

He is also aware of the difference between boys and girls...all he knows is that girls dont have what he DOES...and he will go through a 5 page list of who DOESNT have or who DOES have what he HAS. I cringe listening to the lists. ahhahah

He is obsessed with trains. In the past month he got to go see Thomas with MY grandmother and went to Tweetsie Railroad with HIS grandmother!

He appreciates the smalls things...like our "new den". He is very proud.

He is saving his money for a train...up to $3 and some change.

He does NOT like having his hair cut.

He hits his head multiple times a day.

He is quick to forgive.

He has a short temper.

He prefers no clothing at all at home. Often goes commando if he HAS to wear shorts ;)

He has my taste for food.

He still sleeps with his blue blanket.

He likes routine but is flexible.

He can tell you what foods are bad for you and if something has too much caffeine or too much sugar in it....:)

He LOVES coffee.

He is not a performer and you can't trick him into it.

He is very timid around strangers and large crowds, but is full of life once he becomes comfortable or secure.

He gets shy if you watch him sing out loud in the car, unless you sing with him.

He recently started saying "my daddy"...as in "Will you help me with this my daddy?"

He never wears shoes unless we are in a store.

These are just a few things about my precious 2 1/2 year old :)

I just forgot...

2009-06-10T14:28:00.004-04:00

how to shop that is.

I never shop.

Never.

Today my Mom kept the boys, so I could find a dress for my 10 year high school reunion!

I got to Dillard's and had to look at the store map to find the location of the dresses. How long have I lived here? Since 4th grade. Whatever year that was :)

Same scenario at Belk's, Penny's, ect...

Well to top it all off, I am looking at Ross (not my incredibly sweet and good looking husband) but the store, and low and behold I see someone I know. She tapped me as I was browsing through a dress that caught my eye and we chatted for a few moments. "See you on Friday!" I said with a smile. Smiling back she said, "OK see you there!"...all the while she is probably thinking..."Did she not JUST have a baby? Don't they have two babies? I have GOT to ask someone about this!"...

Yes, I was hanging out in the maternity section and had no idea.

I totally forgot how to shop.

Prayer of Hannah Giveaway!

2009-05-03T13:50:00.002-04:00

Head on over here to the "Prayer of Hannah" blog for a free giveaway and FUN and CHALLENGING discussion on motherhood and womanhood!

I am just now learning that....

2009-04-27T15:10:00.010-04:00

(in no particular order) :

Nap and Rest time are not my "right"- if I get to lay down, great. If I don't, enjoy doing something productive.

When disciplining my children, fear and honor God, not family and friends.

Think daily and sometimes hourly about the saying that I get tired of hearing, "it will be over before you know it", and love and play with my boys like "it really will be over before I know it". I have REALLY been trying to let this sink in lately and I am having some sweetly satisfying days with my boys.

It is a good thing to be exhausted at the end of the day. It means I have worked hard at what I am supposed to be doing.

Fearing the loss of Ross, my children, or dying before any of them will rob me of enjoying my family. God is not surprised by ANYTHING. Rest in Him.

If I am not in the Word daily, Ross and my boys suffer from my selfishness.

Having kids hasn't changed my desire for a clean house every day, but a lot can wait until they go to bed :)

There is a difference between being rude and being loud. Teach them the difference. Let them be boys!

Yelling just doesn't work. Ever.

I treasure the time that me and Ross had before our boys. This is a blessed season of life we have now, but I do miss those times and know they were so special.

I have a confirmed hate for laundry. Just do it. It's not going to go away.

7:30 am is sleeping in.

9:00 pm is getting late.

Our boys bedtime is just as good for me and Ross as it is for them :)

My kids will disobey when I want them to "obey" the most. And that's okay. It keeps me humble ;)

Tell Luke I am sorry, when I have done something wrong. He grasps it more than I ever thought he could.

To be continued....

Do your research...

2009-04-13T21:18:00.005-04:00

These are a few things that I love, but wish I had enough knowledge to devote a blog too! :)

Nutrition- such as whole foods, raw milk, etc...and how this benefits our bodies

Pregnancy and Childbirth- pregnancy health, home-births, etc...

Infertility- although I have never dealt with this, I love reading about natural ways to boost your fertility, and more specifically when and why many women are labeled infertile before a change in diet, weight loss, or in some cases have not even been trying for more than 1 to 2 years, etc...the meds, treatments, side effects, emotional effects, etc... are very interesting to me.

Ulcerative Colitis- new findings, research, cures...(I was diagnosed with this in High school, and eventually had my colon entirely removed because of the severity and illness)...still interests me greatly. I love talking to people who are struggling with this or diseases similar.

Photography- I love pictures and love taking them.

Patient Advocacy- whether it's the doctor's office, insurance, second/third/or forth opinions, I LOVE talking about this, encouraging others in this area, and finding/knowing the rights of a patient

These are just a few things that really interest me, but I feel like I have only brushed the surface in most of them!

What are some things that interest you? That you read about/ research/ could sit on the computer for hours and look up?

I miss it

2009-03-31T20:59:00.005-04:00

Tonight I was updating myself on all of the blogs I read. Some people I know, some people I know very well, others I don't know at all.

I started thinking about the friendships that I have encountered over the past six years. I quickly became overwhelmed at the thought of God's goodness and sweetness to me when we lived in Wake Forest.

I would have never moved from Gastonia to Wake Forest, except for one reason. Ross.

I loved being there with him. But it was a whole new world for me. He had been there for four years already...

I am overwhelmed and humbled when I think of the relationships with other women that I was able to establish. To live alongside of. To be sad away from family with. To be sick alongside of. To be pregnant with. To have our first babies with. To laugh, walk, cry, vent, and most of all trust. There was a loyalty in these relationships that is almost irreplaceable. We loved each other. And still do.

Even though I never call Lindsey (ever), forgot to invite Kristy and Allison to David's party, communicate with Tasha exclusively through the blogging world, and only communicate with Stephanie (who I never even saw in real life in Wake Forest but has made a tremendous impact on my love for Christ) through Facebook etc...I will always love them and cherish the relationship and trust I have with them.

I miss it terribly. Those were some of the best days.

A Not So Typical Surprise....

2009-03-30T10:39:00.003-04:00

for me that is. No one has ever surprised me with anything. Ever. I always have some "idea" or if ANYTHING is different from the norm, I immediately pick up on it. I am just that kind of girl :)

My one and only, surprised me.

My most favorite sister, surprised me.

Ross "surprised" me on Saturday morning and told me that he had asked my mom to watch the boys, while we went off for the afternoon and for dinner. At 3pm, I told him that I was starving, asked if he wanted to eat at 4:30 or 5:00pm. I mean I am 28 now, can't I eat dinner that early? :) We never eat if one of us isn't hungry (it just doesn't seem as fun!), and of course he wasn't ready to eat. I told him that we would have to go to McDonald's and get something to hold me over. So I settled for fries and a tea, and off we went. We were just riding around talking and enjoying not being interrupted multiple times, and he took a left turn towards our house. I asked what he was doing and he couldn't keep from smiling. I knew then that he was up to something, but didn't realize the thought and love that had been put into it until we pulled onto our street (and saw all of the cars) and walked into my very full house (with lots of special people).

It was absolutely special.

He had been planning it for weeks, with lots of love and help from my sister!! She did all of the womanly leg-work and gave it the sweet party touch that it needed!!

I know that I am loved, but I "felt" so loved on Saturday.

I will never forget it.

I love my husband.

He pursues me.

He actively loves me.

And he surprised me.

"Small" Ways God Works

2009-03-12T14:26:00.002-04:00

Today we stopped by my mother-in-laws office to drop off a gift for my nephew Aden. As we were loading up in the car, Luke said, "I want to go to Mammy's house and make cakes, and take to sick people." I explained to him that Mammy was still working and he could go another weekend, assuring him that he would do it again soon. That is something special that they do together, and he treasures it just as much as she does. I think it is a pretty awesome thing that he is learning hospitality from his grandmother. You see, I believe God orchestrated that relationship perfectly in our lives, and one reason being that she has a tremendous gift for hospitality. I on the other hand do not! I enjoy it, but it is not my strength. My boys get to experience a godly example of genuine hospitality through their grandmother, whereas they would not experience it as strongly through me!

I thought about how this would impact them, and I know exactly how it will. My grandmother BJ had the same influence on me. She has a genuine heart for thoughtfulness. Not that my mother does not, we all know how sweetly unselfish she is:) But my BJ has always been very active an attentive to others needs and just plain good at good old Southern etiquette. She never forgets a birthday card, an anniversary, a bereavement card, or a check up call. She knows where the forks go on the table, and if you are supposed to serve punch or tea at a 5:00 pm Shower :) ...I STILL call her when I host anything, to make sure it is halfway appropriate ;) I love these things about her and it has greatly impacted my life.

I love how God orchestrates the perfect people for His perfect plan...

Think about someone God placed perfectly in your family's life and thank Him for them:)

Happy Birthday Sweet David Jude

2009-03-08T00:30:00.000-05:00

DAVID JUDE: "BELOVED","PRAISE OF THE LORD"

Today my second baby boy turns One! One year ago, I was scheuled for an induction on Saturday morning, and on Friday afternoon my water broke. It was exciting to experience the rush of vacuuming ONE last time, dropping Luke off at my Mom's unexpectantly, and feeling contractions that my body decided to do on its own. Labor and delivery were an awesome experience. I loved my pregnancy with David and miss it a lot:(

David came into this world as sweet and as gentle as he is now.

He is only a few minutes old in the pictures below :)...

First day home and first day meeting Luke :)...

First week home :)

One Year Old :)

Time

2009-02-28T11:35:00.002-05:00

You know you might need a little time to yourself if:

You are riding in the car alone, enjoying silence, no whinning, no radio, just simply thinking to yourself...when all of the sudden the thought crosses your mind:

"It is pouring down rain. What if the car breaks down right now? I wonder if I could just sit here for about 30 minutes before I have to call Ross?"....:)

My Imperfect Life

2009-02-17T11:53:00.006-05:00

My life is in no way perfect. (Those of you that know me, already know this!) It is fun and encouraging to read others blogs and write my own. We get to see and share what is going on in life, the cutest pictures of our kids, we get to tell the whole world how great our husbands or wives are, what fun things we have been doing, etc... I love this part of it. Unfortunately, there is another part of life that happens. Imperfection. Sin. My life is not perfect. My love for my husband is not perfect. My kids are not perfect (although I am the first to proclaim this usually:) ) I am mean and grumpy some days. I cry some days. You get the point.

I am a sinner. With hope. I am thankful for the grace and forgiveness that has been given to me through Christ. I would be one nasty person if not ;)

My friend Tasha really got me thinking about how I think and feel as I read others blogs. Sometimes I am envious or feel as if I have not just fallen short as a wife, mom, and woman, but just fallen completely off the wagon!

All this to say: no matter how cute my kids are (and I do think they are handsome little men), no matter how sweet my husband loves me (and he does love me in an awesome way), no matter how clean my house is (and I know I am obsessive), my heart is in need of Christ everyday, I need Him just as much as you do, my marriage needs Him just as much as yours does, my parenting needs Him just as much as yours does, I need Him every hour...

This is the "real world" of blogging.

Today I rest and rejoice in knowing that Christ is working in my imperfect heart and my imperfect life :)

What Does Your Man REALLY Need?

2009-02-16T10:11:00.008-05:00

Our Valentine Weekend:

Friday- Food and Fun with Ross' family

Saturday- Hot lunch date with my husband and a little shopping, the boys went to my Mom and Dads, started painting our kitchen cabinets!!

Sunday- church, food and fun with Ross' family again, church again-Marriage class :)

Valentine's Gifts:

For Ross: card and day planner for work
From Ross: a card with 20 things he loves about me...some of these things I didn't even KNOW and we started dating 13 years ago!! That was fun...and a facial mask from Mary Kay :)....

I will have to say, I loved our lunch date, but my favorite part of the weekend was last nights Marriage Class at church. This week and next are for the Women. We are going to be encouraged and commanded to be the Helper and Submissive to our Husbands.

Me? Not a helper? Not submissive? I think I do pretty good...compared to a lot of other women.

How short I have fallen in these areas. Other women should not be my standard. God's commandments to me as a woman are my standards. They are commandments that are FULL of richness and will result in a thriving marriage. That is something to be excited about...

I wish I could have taped the class and posted it on here. I was so excited when we left :) I can't write everything we learned, but here is something that really struck my heart...

Our leader (the wife is teaching the part to the women, although the men are still with us) said that on Sundays she would cook a HUGE meal at lunch for her pastor husband. She just knew this thrilled his soul. She would exhaust herself "helping"/serving her husband...all the while, he would have been content with a ham sandwich. She never asked. He would have prefered a small lunch and more time talking about "work" or getting feedback from his wife...

Was her desire to serve her husband wrong? NO! But was she being what he needed her to be? NO!!

I wonder how much effort I put into things for Ross that he might not care so much about?? How much am I missing out on serving him in the areas that he REALLY NEEDS? Part of my homework from class, is to ask him what he needs...and to not get angry when he tells me :)!!

So, ask your husband..."How can I be a better helper to you?"....and yes, he is allowed to say sex ;)

We were blessed and look forward to being encouraged to strive for a godly and fulfilling marriage:)

ALDI

2009-02-14T16:37:00.005-05:00

I HAD to post the deals I got at ALDI today...many of my friends are experts at money saving when it comes to grocery shopping, but I haven't figured it all out yet. However, I do like to do some shopping at ALDI when I can...

There are many staple things that we can't buy there such as: diapers, wipes, the organic items that we are slowly switching too such as milks, peanut butter, eggs, etc...I prefer organic fruit and vegetables, but I have found it is so hit and miss. I do not want to go to 4 different stores each week. I am not stable enough to do that ahhahah....

Here is a run down of my items:

Three tubs Whole Rolled Oats(2 lbs 10 oz in each tub) $1.79 EACH (I am going to start soaking these overnight and I need lots of them since all 4 of us will be eating them)

Sparkling Grape Juice- $2.29

Grape Tomatoes- $1.49

Multi-pack 3 peppers- $2.69!!! (red orange and green)

Seven Packs of 1/2 pint Blueberries- .67 EACH!!!!!

Green Grapes (2 lbs!!)- $2.99

Facial Toner- $2.99

Cone Coffee Filters- $1.59!!

Bleach- $1.29

Whole Pineapple- $1.99

Romaine heart lettuce (3 hearts in a bag)- $1.99

Four Squash- $1.69!!

Four Zucchini- $1.69

Bag of Fugi Apples- $2.99

TOTAL= $38.55

For fruits and veggies you CAN'T beat this!! Well, at least I never have :) I was so excited. I laid everything on the counter for Ross to see and went over every price with him...:) I am quite pleased...;)

My Sweet Boys

2009-02-10T15:04:00.004-05:00

Bookcase

2009-02-08T20:30:00.005-05:00

Tonight, Ross was putting together a new bookcase that we bought for the extra bedroom. When he was finished, we were talking back and forth about how good it looked and how happy I was that he got it put together! (He has been sick this weekend) A few minutes later, Ross was cleaning up the leftover mess and Luke walked in and said:

"Daddy, you do's awesome."

That is the sweetest thing ever :)

The Abundant Life of the Judy's

2009-02-03T13:31:00.006-05:00

South Carolina holds many fond memories for me...

I had two favorite places to be...my grandmother BJ's or my Aunt Angie's.

My Aunt and Uncle, along with my two cousins, lived (and still do), in the country of SC. Farm, pigs, cows, goats, peacocks, chickens, emu, tractors, dirt bikes... just to name a few. It was so much fun... simple, relaxing, productive, up early (literally awoken by a rooster! ha), the day was always full. Full of life.

Not much has changed on the farm, as far as farm business goes. Still the same house. Still one bathroom that everyone shares, and you have to go through my aunt and uncle's room to get to it! We dont even think twice about it! Still the same furniture. The same smells. My uncle still has the same truck, good old Chevy.

As far as heart business goes, a lot has changed. God has grown, matured, ripened, and overflowed my Aunt and Uncles hearts for Him and for other people. Since I have "known" my Aunt Angie and Uncle Bud, I knew they loved God. But the awesome thing is, they don't love Him the same that they did 27 years ago. They love Him more. They love themselves less. They love other people more.

They live, according to us city-folk, in the middle of nowhere. Here in this deep country area (not even a town), they have planted a church! Homeward Bound Ministries is the name. They have devoted their lives and time and energy into providing a place for people of this area to come and worship in Spirit and in Truth. Would you believe that after building their worship building and rooms, they had to add small trailor-like buildings on the grounds, for added space? I would, because they are being obedient to Christ.

They don't live the "American dream". Never trying to keep up with latest fad and fashion. They don't have to have the newest car or the biggest house (especially when it comes to the number of bathrooms :).. They really don't care about these things.

They don't need to. They already have everything. They are living what most of us don't even know to dream about. The Abundant Life. It is awesome. It is worth being jealous about ;)

I am very proud of my Aunt Angie and Uncle Bud. They are an encouragement to my family, to live out the Abundant Life that God desires for us.

John 10:10
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

Food for Thought

2009-01-22T15:02:00.002-05:00

Long story short:

Luke has refused to eat dinner the past THREE nights, and breakfast this morning.

It is NOT because he is "picky".

It is NOT because he is not hungry.

As soon as our time at the table begins, it is almost as if he longs to hear the words, "You may not have anything else other than what is on your plate, and if you are done, then you are done until the next meal." I can almost see it in his eyes : "Let the games begin!"

Firstly, his Daddy hates losing at any game. Secondly, I am Daddy's biggest fan :)

Tasha V. and Traci R. we have implemented your family friendly "food rule". IF YOU DON'T EAT IT NOW, THEN YOU CAN EAT IT FOR THE NEXT MEAL...

Luke is eating grits for dinner tonight :(

Luke Got a Job

2009-01-21T14:17:00.004-05:00

Luke: Mama, I goin' to work...

Mama: OK son, be careful and I'll see you in a little bit.

Luke: I love you.

Mama: I love you, too.

Luke: I goin' to miss you.

Mama: I'm going to miss you, too!! :)

Luke: I need kiss.

Mama: "kiss"...be careful driving...and don't loose your briefcase!(tool box in hand)

Luke: MAMA, I NOT goin to DRIVE, I ridin my SCOODER (scooter) !!! :)

This brought the sweetest smile to my heart this morning. It also holds me accountable to continue to love my husband in front of my children. He sees me kiss Ross every morning, tell him I love him, and occasionally tell him that I will miss him :) He watches and absorbs everything we do here at home...I hope he will kiss his wife all the time and love her one day like his Daddy loves me ;)

Life Without a Computer

2009-01-06T08:24:00.005-05:00

To my surprise, life continued for the 3 months we didn't have a computer. Moving into our new home, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, David growing and changing, Luke growing and changing, fun with family, back to Parkwood...and more. As I was thinking about adding pictures to our family blog, I thought about everything that really has gone on the past three months, in this brief time, how much changes and how much God does not change.

Before the sad loss of the computer, I was desperately struggling with the season of life I am in as a woman, a wife, and a mom. I did not enjoy my time at home, and ended most days in resentment and frustration. In Nehemiah 9, it says "But when they cried to You in the time of their distress, You heard from heaven, and ACCORDING TO YOUR GREAT COMPASSION....you answered them." God not only answers our prayers to Him, but he hears and responds with COMPASSION. Compassion? After my selfishness, after my resentment, after my anger, after my continual sin? Yes, gracious and compassionate He is to me. "But you are a God of forgiveness, gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness; and you did not forsake them...in Your great compassion, did not forsake them..." Neh 9: 17 and 19.
I truly felt at a loss during this time. Making a schedule, trying to keep Luke entertained, being told everyone goes through this, etc...these were all great helps during this time, but they were not the solution. The solution was admitting my desperation for Christ and then going to him empty asking for change and help. I am convinced and convicted that not spending time in God's Word and prayer will leave life empty and disappointing. I do not want to waste my life being disappointed and empty. I want the Abundant life God has for me!!! It is mine, I must know Him to have it. There is nothing more appealing.

I am encouraged today at God's faithfulness and goodness to me...His compassionate goodness.

No Computer

2008-11-18T10:47:00.002-05:00

Ross and I thought our cord was broken to the computer, but to our dismay, the computer is dead. Over the past several weeks of moving out, moving in, and life, I somehow have survived without the computer...it pains me each day. I am able to check my email briefly at other places, but it is no fun. Hopefully I will have contact with the outside world by Thanksgiving :)

Happy Birthday Katie

2008-11-02T01:00:00.001-04:00

My sister in laws birthday is today! Her and her family live in VA and we do not get to see them as often as we wish we could...We dont have a computer right now, but I am taking advantage of being at my Mom's house.

Katie, Happy Birthday to you!!

Here are a few things I love or admire about my sister in law:

She is fun to talk to...old stuff and new stuff.

She is a great Mom to her son Aden...

She is actively seeking after Christ.

She stays in touch with all of her family, close and distant.

She runs multiple miles a day.

She likes to laugh.

She is sensitive to God speaking to her/ convicting her.

She has been graceful to me :)

Those are just a few...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KATIE!!!

We love you,
Ross, Shannon, Luke and David

Why I don't love being home today...

2008-09-26T14:58:00.004-04:00

yes, I said it. And I wish I could hear other Moms say it.

The honest truth is that I have not enjoyed my time with Luke and David the past several weeks. I have been selfish. I have been irritable. I have been mean to Luke. I have been impatient. Did I mention I have been selfish? I am torn with being miserable here the past few weeks, yet not really wanting to be anywhere else?

Why is this? Why does it seem like everyone I know that stays at home, LOVES it? They are fully ENJOYING their time with their babies? They have their bad days, but more of the good ones. I have restled with this so bad recently.

I think the moms who really enjoy being at home, are really enjoying God. Here is why:

I have felt immense guilt for not loving it.

I have felt immense guilt for how mean I have been to Luke.

Why????.......because I have not laid my heart before God and pleaded for His help.

I have to face the facts. I am not a good mom without Christ. I think for some women, niceness seems to come a bit more easily :) Relaxing comes a bit more easily :) Mothering may come a bit more easily:) Not for me....I need Christ to work in and through me on an hourly basis. So why am I not feeding myself with Scripture and prayer? I really am desperate.

I have never realized my need for Christ in my life, as much as I have as a Mother...

When I am humble before him and I am seeking him with all of my heart, then I can say with honesty and joy:

I love being a stay at home Mom.

I look forward to feeling this way, as I know God will answer my prayer. He always has....

Happy 50th Birthday Mom!!

2008-09-20T23:00:00.001-04:00

Today my Mom celebrated her 50th Birthday!! We went to lunch, shopped a little in downtown Belmont, and cooked out with the family last night. No big suprises, no big presents, just simple and fun....that it what I love most about my Mom...

She is simple.
She is the most unselfish mother I know.
She loves to talk, or rather listen to me and my sister talk...
She is very optimistic.
She never talks harshly about anyone.
She is a peacemaker.
She loves her family and my dads family.
She likes to get good deals at stores.
She is a good housekeeper.
She is a good cook.
She takes care of herself by eating good and pampering herself every once in a while.
She loves my boys. All three of them.
She is really good with children.
She loves my dad.
She confronts me gently about my bossiness and attitude :)
She nevers complains...

These are just a few things I love about my Mom.

Happy Birthday!!!

I missed loving him and didn't even know it....

2008-09-09T10:18:00.003-04:00

I loved this morning.

Ross was home when everyone woke up.

We ate breakfast together as a family.

I cleaned up the mess after breakfast.

I ironed Ross' work clothes.

Luke got to say bye to Ross when he left for work.

I said to Ross before he left that I missed serving him joyfully.

On a typical day over the past almost five years of marriage, we have not had what most might call a "typical schdule". The demands of school, work, staying at home with the boys, etc...did not allow for this. When the day is done, I am often, actually ALWAYS exhaused mentally, physically, and emotionally. It is an effort to serve my husband joyfully, although it CAN be done!!

The sweet blessing of this new job, allows for some things that Ross and I enjoy having as a family...things such as time, routine, etc...

Sure, work could be closer, could pay big bucks, could be, could be, could be.....but that is the beauty of God's will and plan for our lives...it is NOT perfection in our eyes, it is answered prayer and provision, it is finding JOY in the sweet and simple blessings of Christ...like feeding your husband, cleaning up the disaster of a kitchen for the 20th time, and loving every minute of it.

I love God's choice of blessings for our home. They are perfect.

Luke, who are you thankful for?

2008-09-05T21:37:00.003-04:00

Tonight we had some friends over to eat and hang out. Luke stayed up past his bedtime to enjoy the company and watch us play Rock Band ;) Everyone left, except Ross' cousin Nick and he helped us put Luke to bed. We read a small devotional book, sing and pray each night. Tonight the devotion was on being thankful. After we read, Ross asked, "Luke, what are you thankful for?" Luke said, "God." Although he did not fully understand what he was saying, it brought joy to my heart! I long for the day that Luke and David will be men after the heart of God and know the awesome gift of salvation...

Lord, may your Holy Spirit be working in my boys hearts at a young age. May they quickly become young men that love and fear You. They are yours Lord...

Exercise!!!

2008-08-29T11:15:00.003-04:00

My sister-in-law, Katie, has been running for 5 weeks now!!! I am so jealous!! Way to go Katie :) I enjoy exercising, but I have NEVER been consistent and can't seem to find the best time for my schedule...

Does anyone have any suggestions for consistency? When do you excercise? How long? Where? How often? What do you do?

Diversco

2008-08-28T06:55:00.003-04:00

In my excitement, I forgot to mention a small detail :) Ross will be working for a company called Diversco. They contract out to other companies and provide different services for them...Ross will be an account manager of about 30 employees. In his case, Diversco is contracted by the Hanes Brothers plant in Kings Mountain, which is about 20 minutes from here!! :)

God's Faithfulness

2008-08-27T13:12:00.003-04:00

God's faithfulness to answer prayers and provide for us is MORE than I expect or expected. So much more...

ROSS GOT A JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a job that provides
a job with insurance
a job closer to home
a job he is excited about
a job with some "extras" :)

When he came home last night and said he accepted, AND began telling me the greatness of it, I got lightheaded and my arms were weak!!! ahhahahah!!! I didn't know God would answer our prayers in the detailed way that He has.

I think back on several occasions of our marriage and see God's mighty hand upon us....

I was sick our ENTIRE first year of marriage, yet was able to maintain a job with INCREDIBLE insurance.
In October of our first year, God spared my life from a blood clot in my leg and two in my lungs.
After my hospital stay, I was unable to work YET my company let me keep my position AND my insurance which.....
PAID 100% of the surgeries I had to have the following Jan and Feb!!!!!
AND Ross was working PART TIME and in school, and we NEVER left a bill unpaid because of other believers who supported us during this time!!!!!!!

That time was a whirlwind, but there was a peace among us that I WILL NEVER forget. It was unbelievable and still is, to see how God has preserved our lives in so many ways....

and Ross' new job is just another glimpse of God's awesomeness....

Clarification and Freedom

2008-08-22T13:59:00.008-04:00

Just for clarification:
Not to belabor this subject but...My sister and I were talking about "how many" children we would like to have. We both brought up the subject of "planning" that I have previously blogged about..."Blessings as a Curse"...one thing I love about my sister, actually more than one :), is that firstly she likes to talk as much as I do, and secondly I think she understands me even when I don't make a lot of sense! Anyways, just to be clear, I desire to be Biblical in my thinking and my passions. This would include my views on child-bearing/rearing. In no way, do I think that those who have three children are any more godly that those who have one child! In no way, do I think you should not use wisdom and discretion in pregnancy and child rearing! What I DO think is Biblical, is that children are a blessing, and we should not be in opposition to those who welcome those blessings, whether it be one year after the other or 10 years in between! I just wanted to make sure there was no confusion on my part of sharing :)

Now on the subject of freedom and my confessions:
I am speaking of freedom in Chirst. This is a tough one for me. I usually don't mind sharing a struggle or two, but as I thought about these things while I was shopping BY MYSELF!!! today, I was hesitant to write about it. I am not sure how to convey this as clearly and simply as possible but here is my attempt:

My beliefs/ convictions have been dictated only by what I hear others say or teach...in the context of Biblical Christianity. I have been exposed to some of the most aweseome men and women of Christ, that I KNOW have an active relationship with Christ. I desire inflence from people like this BUT I have let THEM make up my mind about what is RIGHT and WRONG. I have failed to study God's Word intently on my own and allow His truth to dictate what I believe to be true and right!!

Here is the HANG UP...debatable issues within the Biblical community of believers such as...Halloween, alcohol, Santa, church, child rearing, homeschool, daycare,etc...You get the picture. These are just a FEW that I have wrestled with!!!! It is grueling when you are making choices based off of what others think, verses being convicted of them in your own heart by God's word!!! On some issues there are just no RIGHT or WRONG answers.

I confess that I am JUST learning to make choices for me, me and Ross, and my boys, based off of Biblical freedom and not what I think is the RIGHT thing to do according to others. I have felt this BURDEN being lifted off of me. I do not have to be in bondage to man and what man thinks!!

Second confession :) I have pridefully thought, that because I have chosen the "right way", that my choices were better than other friends and family. How prideful is that??

I need God so much everyday...every hour...

More on the Terrific Twos, Tantrums, and my craziness

2008-08-20T20:46:00.006-04:00

Recently, I have read and talked to so many friends and family that I admire on the subject of....well...the tantrums, screaming, and self-centerdness of a two year old...AND the tantrums, screaming, and self-centerdness of a twenty-seven year old. Those two DO NOT work together.

These are the bits of advice and encouragement that I have received that have been playing through my head all week long:

1. "Just take a minute to cool off." - words and wisdom of Tasha Via (www.tashavia.blogspot.com)

2. "Pray through the situation out loud with your child." - words and wisdom from Tasha Via

(When Luke first started exhibiting some strong-willed FITS, I can remember praying through one out loud and when I was done he screamed 'MAY-MEN', his word for AMEN) I think this is an awesome opportunity for me to humble myself as a woman and a mom to God and say, I can not do it and I do not know how to do it. It will also show Luke that God IS our lives, not just night time prayer and church....he needs to see that his Mama needs Christ and we pray one day soon he will see that same need!!!!!!

3. "You are such a great mom."- words from my grandmother

(This is the simplest of phrases, and quite common to most of us, but it means so much to me to hear it from my grandmother. She raised four children of her own. I admire her and it makes me feel so proud and encouraged for her to tell me these things, even though I am not perfect.)

4. "Keep doing what you are doing."- words and wisdom from my mother-in-law

(The days that I see NO FRUIT of mine and Ross' relentless efforts with Luke, this bit of advice gives me a bit of peace and enough endurance to keep working hard!)

5. The following paragraph was written by Leah on www.prayerofhannah.blogspot.com. I couldn't say it better than she did. This is a constant pull on my heart and when it is out of line, it can cause me to bitter on days that are tough with Luke.

"There were many days when Margaret and Kirsti would let me go out and about with them as they "mommed" their children and I learned to appreciate both the joys and the constraints of being a mom. Beth made the comment to me one time that she had to learn how to say no to some things in order to take care of the more important things. This lesson has taught me to focus on my priorities (most important being my relationship with the Lord and caring for my family and home) and not stress myself out when I can't do other things I'd like to do. This is a really tough thing for me because I am a people pleaser and a do-it-myself-er. I always have a million ideas of things I'd like to do, but often they take me away from my young family when they are the ones that need me most. I remind myself that this is just a season and it won't always be like this. But for now I must direct my love and attention on my family."

What would we do without fellow believers to encourage us to press on in godliness?...

A FUN Saturday

2008-08-16T22:16:00.004-04:00

5:30 am- David's first bottle (typical)
5:31 am- Luke is up for the morning (not so typical, not so fun)
6:00 am- Ross is still making a painful attempt to convince Luke that he is still tired
7:00 am- we are hours into the start of our day :), David is the only one asleep
8:00 am- showered and begin getting ready for the pool with Mammy (Ross' Mom)
8:30 am- Ross makes a change of plans, confirms and organizes childcare
10:00 am- David and Luke with Mammy
10:04 am- Ross says "Take in the moment and lets GO!" ahhah (he really did say this)
10:05 until 3:00 there was no time, we just enjoyed the town:

Went to the mall and spent Christmas giftcards...yes, Christmas. I hoard gift cards.
We ate out for lunch.
We went to the bookstore for a bit.
We looked inside of a house we really, really, really like.
We got a homemade Cherry-Lemon Sundrop.
We went to Morgan's shoes and bootery.

I would rather do "nothing" with him, than anything else in the world...

I loved today...

Do I see Blessings as a Curse?? Surely not...

2008-08-13T10:12:00.004-04:00

My last post on "Blessings as a Curse.." found me pondering on my words, my convictions, my heart, my desires, God's heart, God's desires...

I am being convicted that, at times, I see the blessing of my precious boys, as a curse.

Ross and I were both sick yesterday. Ross headed to work, because he's just that kind of man :) and I called my Mom! :) Luke stayed with his Mimi all day long, David cooperated quite nicely, and I slept the day away when I could. That evening, Ross took the boys to a family cookout, and I continued to rest.

I missed Luke so much!

When they got home last night, all I wanted to do was talk to him, ask him questions, play with him (from the couch in a reclining position:) ), and just plain enjoy him. I relished being with him. I really did.

God began to prick my heart.

Why do I not ENJOY my blessing everyday? Why do I struggle with losing my temper with him? Why do I wish Mimi or Mammy would PLEASE come get him? Why do I live for nap time? All the while being irritated until those things come. Then who gets the attitude when the day is done? My sweet husband.

What a wasteful way to live as a mom and a wife. BUT....

I am FREE and FORGIVEN in Christ. I do not have to live this way!! I KNOW I cannot be a good Mom or wife on my own. I cannot love my children the way they need to be loved. I cannot serve and love Ross in the ways that he needs to be served and loved. I cannot wake up tomorrow morning and say, "OK, today I am going to try really hard not to loose my temper, and to enjoy Luke." I've tried it, and my sinfulness rears its ugly head at Luke's first meltdown. I have to deperately and humbly ask for patience, love, humility, etc...from Christ...constantly.

I am thankful for Christ's forgiveness. I am thankful for my husbands forgiveness. And I am thankful that I can excercise asking Luke's forgiveness now.

I need rest. I need time away. I LOVE IT!!! It is a BLESSING too! Fine, ok, TRUE, BUT what if it doesn't come? How will I respond? I am desperate for Christ.

The Chappell's

2008-08-10T09:23:00.003-04:00

This post speaks for itself. (these are friends from Wake Forest) You can view the full story from the Chappell's at www.caseychappell.typepad.com/baby

They are honoring and glorifying Christ in a way that the world cannot comprehend......

August 10, 2008
Give Thanks To The Lord For He IS Good
Give thanks to the Lord for He is good, His Steadfast love endures forever. We desperately need this truth to sink in today. The last week has been filled with hope and with new plans to ready the arrival of our Son, Asher. Yesterday was a suprise to us, but not to God. God brought our precious boy into this world @ 9:08pm and took him to be in the arms of Jesus shortly after. We do not understand fully through our pain, but our only real comfort is also our only hope: That God understands the death of His Son and that death has also brought us life and is giving Asher the chance to dance right now. We prayed for all of you this morning and asked that God grant you to worship in Spirit and in Truth today (draw near to Jesus, for he is our steadfast hope). Praise Him, please praise him for He is good! We love you all so much and love the body of Christ so much more through you. God grant each of us to fight for Christs kingdom perspective and to know that He loves us radically and longs for us to long for Him. We do today, now more than ever!

Dan and Casey

Blessings as a Curse..

2008-08-07T09:13:00.003-04:00

A recent post in one of my favorite blogs (www.prayerofhannah.blogspot.com), shared the joy and the work of having two children under the age of two. This is the comment that I shared in response:

Leah,
Thanks for the post! As you know, my Luke and David are almost exactly the same ages as Samuel and Joel. I will agree that the work load seems constant and the quantity/quality of attention that each one gets is different and somtimes minimal or strained, BUT in God's sovereignty He decided to bless me with my two boys up to the very seconds that they are apart in age. I often find myself trying to "decide" when would be the "best" time to "plan" another one, but I am quickly reminded that God is the giver of life and children are a blessing. Often the world looks at having children close together in age as unwise, financially a burden, not "fair" for the other child, etc...if it truly were my choice, I know I would "mess it up" but since it is not, I have to the two greatest blessings in addition to Ross. How awesome. Thanks for sharing!!!
Shannon Bradley

So if I told you we were expecting again, what would be your thoughts? We AREN'T hahahah....just something to think about.

Why do we veiw blessings as a curse?

Day 1

2008-08-06T07:45:00.001-04:00

It is an unspoken among family members and friends, that you are supposed to post more pictures on a blog than words. As a quick confession, I too, quickly skim the ramblings and go straight to the pictures, hoping to get a glance into other people's business :) However, I must also confess that I am secretly jealous of those who have enjoyed blogging without the added stress of pictures! With that being said, I am creating my own place to post my thoughts, my ideas, my joys, my fears, and my day to day life....my pursuit of Christ and the woman that He desires for me to be.